Monday, 8 May 2017

To Those Without Mothers on Mother's Day

First of all, this is not a post for those who have lost their mothers, or simply didn't know them. This day will mean something else entirely to you, and I'm not going to pretend that I understand in the slightest what that is like. 

This post is for those with mothers who don't deserve that title. For those who have had to cut ties with the woman who gave birth to them, in order to survive. This is for those who grew up being told that family is the most important thing, whilst living under the same roof as someone who constantly put you in danger, and made you feel weak and worthless. 

To Those Without Mothers on Mother's Day || The Small Adventurer

It's not your fault.

No matter how many guilt trips she has put you through, I hope you never forget that you are not responsible for the way she treated you. Growing up, I constantly heard "I gave you life, you owe me", and that is not fair at all. No one asks to be born, and no one should have to spend their entire life trying to repay someone for a favour that they had no control over. 

You don't owe her anything: not money, not forgiveness, not even shelter. No one has the right to bring a child into this world for the sole purpose of having them look after you, especially when you're perfectly capable of looking after yourself.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for cutting her out of your life.
The most important person in your life is you, and you should always make sure that you are safe and cared for. People who grew up with the perfect family - or at least a family that genuinely cares about each other - do not understand that not everyone is as lucky as they are. 

No amount of "family is the most important thing in the world" is ever going to work on me, because being related to someone means nothing if they don't treat you well. Don't get me wrong, I have some amazing family members who I love to death, but I love them because I want to - because they deserve it - not because I have to.

You can choose your family.
As harsh as it may sound, you can bring people in and out of your life as you please, and so many people don't realise that. No matter what someone's title is - parent, sibling, best friend, etc - if they don't treat you well, you don't not have to keep them in your life. Don't deny yourself a life surrounded by love and happiness just because you feel guilted into keeping someone around. We all deserve respect and love.

It's okay to feel upset on this day.

I have no interest in ever seeing or speaking to my mother again, but that doesn't mean that this day doesn't suck for me. It reminds me of everything I wasn't given, and all the things I had to endure throughout my life that so many others didn't. It reminds me that even though the worst of it is over, I will never truly be able to escape my past. I still have nightmares about all of it, and about her finding me and ruining everything I have built for myself in her absence.

This day reminds me of all the days that haven't come around yet that are going to just be as hard without a mother - my 21st, my wedding, the day I buy my first house - but I am not going to let myself sit around and sulk. Other people have it much worse than me. Removing someone from your life by choice is certainly a lot easier than losing someone you truly loved; I know that.

On this day, I will think of those people. I'll hope that, one day, this day won't hurt them as much. I'll hope that they can spend this day thinking about the good times, instead of reliving the hard ones.

To Those Without Mothers on Mother's Day || The Small Adventurer

On this day, I will remind myself of all the horrible things that she said to me. All the times that I heard I was nothing, and that I was always going to be nothing, and I will continue to move forward. I will continue to grow and learn on my own. I will continue to prove her wrong - and I know that when I look back on how I spent my life, I'll be able to smile because I'll know that I least I lived with honesty and kindness. Despite everything that life threw at me, I know that I will live happily.

Until next time,
Indya xx